The Dating Game…Story Number Four…….Too smooth by half!

This post contains adult content, a single word used twice, but still adult content and no Mum it’s not the word you think it is!

My instincts were getting a bit sharper when this one crossed my path and he was a niche trainer in a specific national institution so his profession is not a good title for him as it is too easily traceable, so upon reflection I shall call him Mr Smooth.

Mr Smooth was divorced with two young children who lived with his ex-wife and he went back to their home town in the North every weekend to see them and worked down here during the week.

For our first date Mr Smooth took me out to dinner and very nice it was too. This was followed by a romantic walk along the river embankment on a lovely summer’s evening, hand in hand I might add. Romance was the hallmark of this little episode as I received romantic texts, emails containing original poetry and he even suggested we write a book together and we bounced storylines between us to see if we could do this. He was a great communicator and it was fun to receive this kind of attention. Now I am not a natural cynic but I have been gullible in the past (this has left me wide open to an emotional battering on occasion) so when my instincts were tugging at me that this was all ‘too pat’ I paid attention. I used the surname he called himself by when I was talking to him once on the phone, you know the sort of thing “Well, Mr ….. how has your day been?”, there was a pause, only the slightest hesitation, but it was there and I caught it.

Onto the next date in another rather lovely restaurant where I tackled him mid-starter. Looking back it would have been wiser to wait until we had finished eating as I would have had a complete meal then, but if in doubt do the unexpected is my motto.

Jane “You haven’t been straight with me about your set-up at home have you?”

This line was delivered as Mr Smooth was mid-forkful with a Rocket salad combo, which is tricky to eat at the best of times, he dropped the fork and then had the audacity to smile at me.

His training should have warned him that the flash in my eyes signalled danger as those that know me well would have been diving into the trenches with their tin hats on at this point.

Mr Smooth “No, I haven’t.”

Jane “Tell me.”

Mr Smooth “I am divorced and I really do have my children, but I have a new partner and she has children and we live in a house that we have bought together.”

This little speech was delivered without hesitation and not a hint of embarrassment so I knew there was more to come.

Jane “What are we doing here then?”

Mr Smooth “My needs aren’t being met at home.”

Jane “Ooohh how awful for you.”

I put my hand on my heart for all of a minute.

Jane “Mmmmm over that now” removing my hand from my heart “if you have trouble at home how on earth is bringing another woman into the mix going to solve that and pray tell just how does this enhance my life?”

Mr Smooth “I come with benefits.”

I raised an eyebrow….

Jane “Such as?”

Mr Smooth “I have a perfect cock.”

Jane “A perfect cock does not a perfect man make and you are wholly inadequate as far as I am concerned.”

I threw my napkin onto the table and left the restaurant. Livid, absolutely livid at his sheer arrogance but also relishing one of those sublime moments in life when the right words come out at the right time and not with hindsight twenty four hours later!

I received a text about six months after the restaurant scene which read ‘I have thought about what you said Jane and I am giving my relationship a go, thank you for your advice’.

I strongly suspect that another woman he tried his act on after me actually did him physical harm.

No, I did not deign to reply. What a muppet!


26 Responses to “The Dating Game…Story Number Four…….Too smooth by half!”

  1. 1 triciabertram February 9, 2012 at 12:30 am

    Jane your eloquence made me laugh out loud, and that’s not easy to do at present. Sounds to me like his “perfect cock” was situated where the rest of us house our brains.


  2. 3 lostupabove January 12, 2012 at 7:26 am

    Oh, almost forgot. Nominated for the Candle Lighter Award? Congratulations, dear Jane. Your stories certainly lighten up the world.

    Steph xx


  3. 5 lostupabove January 12, 2012 at 7:23 am

    It takes all sorts of people to make the world, but I guess that you are the only person in the world who has met all these sorts, Jane.

    Love the story and I certainly will remember your advice not to start an argument the middle of a meal in a posh restaurant!

    Steph xx


  4. 13 1smiles January 12, 2012 at 4:28 am

    You sure have quite the hilarious followers here! Love their comments.
    I have to say, I’ve met some braggards in my experiences, but none with this claim to their fame.
    My hats off to you for the perfect response to him! My thoughts always fail me at these moments.


    • 14 Jane Thorne January 12, 2012 at 8:39 am

      Thanks Jeannie, it was one of those rare moments when everything came together…I did go hungry though! And I forgot to add I had gone in my own car..whey hey! xx


  5. 15 Eric Alagan January 12, 2012 at 12:25 am

    Dear Jane,
    I am pleased to nominate you for the Candle Lighter Award. Please check out post > if you are unable to open this link, go to >
    All good wishes, Eric πŸ™‚


    • 16 Jane Thorne January 12, 2012 at 8:38 am

      Dear Eric you lovely man with an illuminating blog, many congratulations to you on receiving this award and very well deserved it is too. Your posts are always thought provoking and a highlight of my day. I am so touched that you think I bring light and thank you for passing it onto me. I want to do it justice so I will ponder on my nominees as this requires thought. Have a great day and all the very best to you…many blessings, Jane x


  6. 17 Martin Shone January 11, 2012 at 4:05 pm

    Are you sure he didn’t have a speech impediment and he actually said “I am a perfect cook”. πŸ˜€


  7. 19 elenacaravela January 11, 2012 at 3:26 pm

    I envy your come-back! Great thinking! Got to admit that I laughed out loud!


  8. 21 thomag1 January 11, 2012 at 1:45 pm

    You need to write a book if you haven’t already, Jane. This is ‘movie’ stuff so get your book done….haha. You can keep the reader interested and ‘in your corner.’ Evidently he didn’t want to marry you… best to you…tom


    • 22 Jane Thorne January 11, 2012 at 4:14 pm

      Hello Tom, thank you for your encouragement…my book is along the philosophical lines hopefully laced with humour! Take care, Jane


  9. 23 flatcap January 11, 2012 at 12:09 pm

    you should have asked what research he had undertaken, to be so confident to make such a sweeping generalisation. I think miss thorne it is time to wear running shoes on dates, instead of sling back heels xx


  10. 25 Eric Alagan January 11, 2012 at 9:34 am

    That’s a new line…excuse me mame, you’ll love me because I have the perfect…
    Was he a poultry farmer?


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