Love weaving through stories, vulnerability, heartfullness and authenticity…

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Emily made me these butterflies a few years ago and when they go up love is here.

I have just offered a shelf system up against the bathroom room so our landlord can tell if it is level before he fixes it in place. The Victorian wall behind it is undulating to say the least, so is it truly level? Not according to the spirit level, but we have gone by eye and what feels right. We now have a full house and there are three of us girls with bedrooms on the first floor, so thoughtfully our landlord is installing extra shelves in the bathroom. We have other bathroom options in our home, but this bathroom has a huge bath and there is much comfort in our bottles and nurturing lotions nestling together as we share the space.

It’s an authentic bathroom.

I have my inner peace back and am grateful to be reuniting with my authentic self. It has helped me to realise why I lost her in the first place and surprisingly how far back that goes.

We all have vulnerabilities and circumstances that we flow with in our daily lives. To be afraid to acknowledge those vulnerabilities, never mind speak about them to others, is how we protect ourselves. It’s how we manage. Sadly it can lead to a disconnectedness that leads to disharmony and loss of self. Those circumstances can also lead to a definition of self that is not authentic.

I have debt from my marriage and yes, I have reduced it by a considerable amount and managed to live with it, but I have allowed the feelings of failure and ‘pinch’ to define me. All leading to a sense of loss of self. Money is an energy and debt can lead to more debt and it’s a tricky thing to get hold of. It, and I, have tumbled while trying to get to grips with it.

My beautiful daughter has struggled with the breakdown of our family unit and as her Mum, her pain is my pain. She made the decision last year to step away from me in an effort to make sense of how she felt. We have a thin thread of connection, so there is not total silence between us, but grief was born the day of her decision.

I have been doing my best to manage and flow love to both situations, in the ever held hope that balance will be restored.

I threw myself into setting up the workshop where I restored and re-upholstered furniture. Never having done anything like this before I learned as I went, asking for advice, watching clips on the internet and always saying ‘I can have a go at that’ and I did. Whilst doing this I decorated the workshop inside and out and decorated the flat I was renting from a friend. I glance back now and I was running full pelt away from pain. My sense of self as a Mum and a competent business woman had taken a hammering and I was living fueled by loss.

My authentic self was drowned out and into this mix came Paul.

I have always loved nature, people (especially little ones) and animals. I did not go into detail with him on my past, or my vulnerabilities, but I said enough for the manipulation to start. He shared his huge family with me and we all delighted in our new connections. The first time I met his younger daughters we sat at the kitchen table together making cards and amidst the glitter, paint and glue we started to love each other. At family gatherings little grandchildren would potter near us and climb on my lap to play and natter. Older grandchildren would visit so that we could send time together. Paul offered me some time off (with no deadline), so that when I first moved in with him he could be a real partner. He offered rest, recovery, a safe haven and I could choose how I flowed my time. I could potter in the house nesting, or spend time with the animals helping to milk, look after the herd and also I could learn how to lamb. The money that I had coming in could completely go towards debt clearance. He would help me carry the load. I could talk to him about anything, be myself and my defences came tumbling down. Being part of a huge family was a joy for me and my cup runneth over.

He drew me in to be a part of the script of his life and the film was fake.

Now I have worked out the ‘why’ and ‘how’ it happened and I am coming back to my authentic self. There is freedom in telling the story.

To live with an open heart is to show vulnerability, yet I have learned that to have defences is to live in fear. In running from pain I lost touch with my authenticity.

Self awareness is key.

I am aware of my circumstances, yet they do not define me. I can feel my pain, yet I do not live in fear.

In the stillness I am authentic and love is the only voice.

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25 Responses to “Love weaving through stories, vulnerability, heartfullness and authenticity…”


  1. 1 dgkaye January 28, 2016 at 5:03 am

    Welcome back to life Jane. 🙂

    Like

  2. 3 ianscyberspace January 27, 2016 at 5:59 am

    Another brave commentary on the lives so many of this world share. I’m sure those who read your blog with pain of their own will be helped knowing someone else understands their hurt.

    Like

    • 4 Jane Thorne January 27, 2016 at 11:21 am

      Thank you Ian and the ‘cork’ has popped out of the bottle now and I am grateful for this outlet. Grateful for the safe haven, support and loving care. I am moving forwards now and there are stories floating up….hugs for you. Xx

      Liked by 1 person

  3. 5 clarepooley33 January 26, 2016 at 10:27 pm

    This is a brave and honest statement Jane. We have all craved love and comfort when we are hurt and lonely and there are always people out there who take advantage of our vulnerability. I am so glad you have found peace in your new home and now have time and opportunity to rediscover your true self. Debt is horrible and the problems it brings with it are so difficult to deal with. I know because when my first marriage fell apart I got into debt too. It is so easy to agree to offers of help from people and then find you are trapped in a relationship with a person/a company etc that in normal circumstances you wouldn’t have touched with a barge-pole! I feel so much for you in your distress because of your daughter’s wish to step back from you after the break-up of your marriage. You are doing the only thing possible in the circumstances – just being there for her until she eventually decides how she wants to proceed. All my love, Clare xx

    Like

  4. 10 grandfathersky January 26, 2016 at 9:59 pm

    Jane – A favorite saying in my family was “can’t see the forest for the trees”. In situations like this, where we are immersed in our own story, our living and well being, we go forward and cannot see all the plays on the chess board that may be coming. As Gen Patton said – A good plan vigorously executed this week is better than a perfect plan executed next week. Judgement become keener, will becomes stronger, hearts hurt, heal, and understand life has many, many stories prepared for us. I see a box of paints before you, begging for stories to be told …
    Always,
    Peter

    Like

  5. 12 Marylin Warner January 26, 2016 at 3:55 am

    Jane, this is elegantly, honestly written. You have reclaimed your true self, and that shows how real and strong and hopeful you are, regardless of what is happening to you. I hope at some point you will share this with your daughter so she knows as a woman how important it is that her mother is a good and resourceful woman. Bless you, sweet Jane.

    Like

  6. 14 tornadoday January 25, 2016 at 11:45 pm

    Dearest Jane, the key to trust is to be vulnerable. We are not defined by our weaknesses, and yet without them, I’m not sure who we would be. When we are broken, we learn to mend. When we are lost, we realize just how close home abides within us………. I love you. In your beautiful imperfections, you are perfect!

    Like

  7. 16 1smiles January 25, 2016 at 4:01 pm

    Your insight and self-awareness has grown from your courage. Now, you inspire and encourage so many others with your voice. Thank you, as always.
    Love and hugs,
    Jeannie XXXXOXXX

    Like

  8. 18 journeyintopoetry January 25, 2016 at 3:44 pm

    A beautiful post full of new beginnings, hope and realisation. You are a brave warrior my precious friend and we will both keep on the journey together. ❤️❤️❤️ Xxx

    Like

  9. 20 Jill Weatherholt January 25, 2016 at 2:52 pm

    You nailed it, Jane, your circumstances don’t define you. Keep pressing forward. My prayers are with you.

    Like

  10. 22 Maxi January 25, 2016 at 1:15 pm

    Your insight and inner strength will see you through, sweet Jane. My heart and prayers are with each and every day. Big Bear Hugs to you.
    blessings ~ maxi

    Like

  11. 24 Leny Owram January 25, 2016 at 1:08 pm

    I know little of you,or your past or much of your pain….but somehow there is a connection there….your heart speaks for you Jane…and it’s a good heart,I am here for you too….we all make mistakes,very few are willing to admit them,but that’s what life is…a series of happenings,some good and some bad….and now time to regroup and go onwards head held high and remember in fifty years none of this will matter too much…it’s all part of the journey. Hugs. X

    Like

    • 25 Jane Thorne January 25, 2016 at 2:13 pm

      Thank you my lovely and I am grateful for our connection. Life is an adventure and full of blessings and talking about ‘head held high’ I have made an appointment for a hair re-vamp. Wish you were closer then I could have been re-created ‘barnet wise’ by you and what fun we would have had. Hugs and much love flowing to you. Xx ❤

      Like


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