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Perceptions….

I am currently halfway through writing a book about my internet dating adventures, thanks to the ‘spark’ from a lovely friend. This is throwing up all sorts of issues as you can imagine and the growing ‘tongue in cheek’ belief that I may never be asked out again.

The issues are interesting, because I am protecting the identity of all the characters, but where do you draw the line on how much you divulge? I have opted to keep it real and all is in there, including the unattractive aspects about myself and my moments of shame. It is apparently funny, and written with a light hand on the tiller according to those who have been privy to excerpts. It is not an unburdening of my soul, but a snapshot of what life can be like in internet dating land for women of a certain age. A publisher asked what demographic I was aiming it at and I replied ‘Are you kidding me on?’ I may need to brush up on my promotional skills.

I shared this current activity with my Mum and Dad on a recent visit and my Mum’s face lit up as she said ‘I do hope you are including the perfect cock story in your book?’ My Dad nearly choked on his lunch.

Writing this book takes me into the heart of ‘vulnerability land’ and that can became a sticking point. I have learned over the years to write and get out of the way of myself, because time and again I would write and be ‘reading’ it at the same time. That doesn’t work I found, as judgement comes in and my insistent critical inner voice is very loud indeed. So I write without thinking and just let the words fall onto the page.

This book is about me with real life events, so I have been facing fear as I sit at my laptop each day. Fear of judgement, not being enough, not being worthy and basically writing a load of stories that no-one would feel inclined to read. Hello fear.

The last thing I want to do is have it come across like a modern day advert, or some social media posts that we are all subjected to. You know the ones: beautifully attired people fresh from a full nights sleep, just off trekking in the Himalayas, while feasting on pancakes made from fresh goat’s milk, collected as the dew still nestles on the mountain sides and the children are in hand made crocheted hats…..you get my drift. This had to be real for me to do it. So here’s the reason I am quiet and daily beating down fear. If this ‘fear bashing’ translates into my appetite being subdued then I am ahead of the game. Now where did I put my crocheted hat?

Ink in the clouds….

There are some folk in this life who can pick a fight with their own shadow. There are many reasons behind this behaviour and multiple layers to it, but it shows itself in ways that cause upset to others. If their driving need is for validation and attention, then it has been my experience to observe that it’s open season on how this is achieved. Dramas are created, unsettled situations are started, stories are told that are not aligned to truth and everyone’s inner balance in the immediate area is at risk. They are like a bucket with no bottom, because no amount of attention is ever enough, no matter how lovingly it flows. They hold little respect for themselves, so it naturally follows that they are unable to respect others.

A speck of ink in a cloud can colour the whole and all underneath see the sky go dark, feeling the chill as the light is blocked.

It is a sad fact that those who carry on in this way cannot see it, as their driving need for attention blocks out self awareness. They are the only ones who can effect change in how they operate, yet maybe their inner pain is such that they cannot turn and face it. Whatever the reason, others are affected by how they behave, and with no glimmer of change on the horizon, decisions have to be made. We are told at every turn in life to flow love, compassion and kindness, so it can catch us in the cross hair of uncomfortable choices when faced with someone who behaves like this.

My instinct and subsequent action has been to kindly and firmly move the cloud on. What do the rest of you think?

Driving…..

This shot was taken a few years ago through a car windscreen, on a very high hill in North Wales, just as a storm was passing.

A lovely friend and I were bowling along the motorway last week after visiting a buddy in hospital. This thought floated up and I voiced it:

We are all like a car driving through life. Every now and then we glance in the rear view mirror to check on the situation around us and get our bearings. If we stay looking at the rear view for too long then all sorts of mess will unfold and we can crash.

Return and repeat….

circles

A few weeks have disappeared while I muddied my own waters and got lost in the shallows. I had ventured forth nurturing a connection and was giving it space and time to see what evolved. My words had changed and were embracing the new, but my emotions were firmly locked back in the past. So guess what happened? I got a repeat of the past.

All of life is energy and we are all energy. What is reflected back to us, is what we are putting out there energetically, no matter what words or actions we dress it up in. Some of us are facing tragic, difficult and at times overwhelming circumstances, yet we still have the power to choose our own thoughts. We also have the power to change the patterns that our thoughts are driving.

We feel our way through life with our emotions sparking from our thoughts, which then drive our words and actions. We get what we focus our attention on, so it is natural to want to nurture and foster thoughts that ease us into a contented space. We can choose our thoughts.

I watched the planes on the distant horizon coming in to land this morning. The sky was dark with snow clouds and every now and then, as they circled, the plane’s lights would shine through the murk.

I have had two significant sparks shine through in the last twenty four hours. One was from a loving friend sitting in my ‘happy bubble’ favourite chair and watching the view. She was listening to me natter away and with her insightful way of being she suddenly swung her gaze onto me and said ‘What you have just said is a great idea, how about doing that?’ and I felt the energy of it, smiled at her and it took root. ❤ The second spark came as I watched the planes, again from my favourite chair. I ‘twigged’ that I had got exactly what my emotions expected with the way recent events unfolded. It simply is what it is, because it matched my emotional energy vibration.

We choose what we focus on and life, being the natural force that it is, will flow it back to us. Return and repeat.

It makes you think doesn't it? What thoughts we can foster to nurture and grow contented plants in our life gardens. We choose our thoughts and that can change our patterns.

Looking Inward…Searching Outward 

Wise words from my soul sister Millie ❤

Mystical Journey

Last night at a beautiful gathering of friends a soulful woman shared a story that stayed with me throughout the night. She spoke about a man she knew who owned a pig farm up in these mountains. The man was in constant pain. His feet ached so much that it was preventing him from keeping up the farm. He was depleted of energy. The feet ailment was paralyzing him. He couldn’t move forward with his farm or anything because of this issue. Then one day something magical happened. He noticed that he was wearing his boots on the wrong feet. At that moment I had one of those Millie shout outs that I think I am keeping to myself but the filtering has decided to be loud (real loud with a few cursed words)! “Wow…what a metaphor for how we often live our lives…walking in the wrong shoes.”
Often times…

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Paddling….

Paddling...

Paddling…

I had been working doing my ‘thing’ most of the day and the ability to think slipped away and my typing fingers started producing ‘gobbledeygook’. I paused and then had a great idea.

My wellies were located in the hall cupboard and off I went to paddle in The Mersey on the beach at low tide. It was bitterly cold and windy as anything and it did not matter a jot. I loved every second of it and happily paddled and then pottered about looking for sea glass, interesting shells and pebbles. I gave my mind permission to stop and just breathed in and out listening to the birds, while watching the light play over the water.

It felt like the most loving thing to do and I just might do it again very soon…. ❤

dav

Peaceful moments ….

sdr

Sunday

Sunday morning and a shaft of light broke through and the only sound was the cathedral bells mingling with the call of the birds.

This afternoon The Mersey looks polished and the shadows of light make Liverpool appear as if it is resting on stilts in the water. You can feel the peace in this home as a loving energy.

I wake up saying ‘thank you’ and feel it throughout my days as I potter around working, creating and connecting.

My heart swells with gratitude for the blessings of the loving connections and all the sparks that flow into each and every day. I sit here watching the tides and without expectation I know, simply know, that all is balanced in the flow.

We can spend our lives going ‘Well, what about this and what about that?’ and ‘How about this and how about that?’ An endless cycle of worry, concern, upset and fretting. Yet the heart knows. The heart knows that if we can just pause in a moment, the light will shine in. If we can just stop the endless tape of words and thoughts running through our heads, just for a moment, then we find peace in the pause.

dav

Tuesday


Jane Sturgeon

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