I moved to Wales recently to start life together with the farmer who said he had waited all his life for me. I felt I had found a life buddy who was on the same page with love of nature, animals and family. Throwing a blanket of love around us, his family and the life we talked about flowing together I felt so blessed.
I quickly discovered I had walked straight into a mirage and the man I thought I knew disappeared. I was weepy, tired, my confidence waned, I started to have accidents and I doubted that I could accomplish even the simplest task. I kept putting it down to my tiredness and learning to live with a new routine and talking to Paul, my partner, failed to shed any light on why I felt as I did. I was told that I was not coping, amoungst other things. After a week I called a close friend who works with families in difficulties. I asked her for help, because in a very short space of time I had lost all sense of what was real and the speed it was happening frightened me. She asked me to describe a few things that had happened, without emotion if I could, and then she gave me her feedback. Bless her, because her words were the only real thing I had to hold onto and my trust in her is implicit. I was being controlled and manipulated to a very high level. It is best not to dwell on the detail, but one thing that is clear is that ‘love’, affection and kindness are given with calculated precision and are another cog in the wheels of control. I know a fair few souls who hang on in relationships like this thinking that things will get better. ‘Oh, but he/she can be so lovely’ they say. What I was in was a film set; all the frontage was there, with controlling scaffolding holding it up. There was nothing real behind it. It never gets real or better, it just steadily gets worse.
Love gets twisted for some souls and they do not trust it. It becomes a tool for them to get the love and attention they crave while they manage their lives, running to a twisted agenda of their own making.
They are standing in the middle of a loving river and dying of thirst.
I was straight forward and tried to discuss that this was not loving and could we try to work it through. He cried. I wavered for a few days thinking I had misread the situation. The control notched up a few levels and my clarity snapped back into focus.
I wished him well and left.
I threw my net wide over four counties looking for a room in a shared house to keep costs down and to give me time to recover. I knew I would need company, yet independence. I looked at several and trusted my instinct that I would know the one that felt like home. I did as soon as I walked into it.
So here I am in a new area to me, right by the seaside, in a house that gives you a hug as soon as you walk through the front door. It is so peaceful here and my housemates are kind, thoughtful and we are all settling down well. I love my room and have all mine and Emily’s artwork up and wrapping round me. I am not rushing into making any decisions on how I earn my living and I have options. Self nurture is the song of my days as I explore my new home and simply breathe myself back into balance.
I stood on the sea front yesterday watching the ferries sail out of the mouth of The Mersey from Liverpool bound for Ireland and the Isle of Man. Looking to my left the sea stretched out way into the horizon touching North Wales eventually. This is a special place and there are many blessings in my having landed here. I am not far from Mum and Dad, my friends up North, yet I have a fresh canvas. More importantly coming back to me I have my well spring of creativity and the peace to hear my authentic voice as it guides me home. I will pick my fresh life paint pots in time and with care. For now it is alright to simply let things be.
I am so grateful to my loving friends and family who have held my hand as I stepped my way through to this point. Love is my life buoy and letting go of what has happened is happening, because it was not real.
Love flows as I hear the voice of the sea mingling with my own and she talks of many blessings. x