The voice of the sea speaks to the soul….

The sea at home...

I moved to Wales recently to start life together with the farmer who said he had waited all his life for me. I felt I had found a life buddy who was on the same page with love of nature, animals and family. Throwing a blanket of love around us, his family and the life we talked about flowing together I felt so blessed.

I quickly discovered I had walked straight into a mirage and the man I thought I knew disappeared. I was weepy, tired, my confidence waned, I started to have accidents and I doubted that I could accomplish even the simplest task. I kept putting it down to my tiredness and learning to live with a new routine and talking to Paul, my partner, failed to shed any light on why I felt as I did. I was told that I was not coping, amoungst other things. After a week I called a close friend who works with families in difficulties. I asked her for help, because in a very short space of time I had lost all sense of what was real and the speed it was happening frightened me. She asked me to describe a few things that had happened, without emotion if I could, and then she gave me her feedback. Bless her, because her words were the only real thing I had to hold onto and my trust in her is implicit. I was being controlled and manipulated to a very high level. It is best not to dwell on the detail, but one thing that is clear is that ‘love’, affection and kindness are given with calculated precision and are another cog in the wheels of control. I know a fair few souls who hang on in relationships like this thinking that things will get better. ‘Oh, but he/she can be so lovely’ they say. What I was in was a film set; all the frontage was there, with controlling scaffolding holding it up. There was nothing real behind it. It never gets real or better, it just steadily gets worse.

Love gets twisted for some souls and they do not trust it. It becomes a tool for them to get the love and attention they crave while they manage their lives, running to a twisted agenda of their own making.

They are standing in the middle of a loving river and dying of thirst.

I was straight forward and tried to discuss that this was not loving and could we try to work it through. He cried. I wavered for a few days thinking I had misread the situation. The control notched up a few levels and my clarity snapped back into focus.

I wished him well and left.

I threw my net wide over four counties looking for a room in a shared house to keep costs down and to give me time to recover. I knew I would need company, yet independence. I looked at several and trusted my instinct that I would know the one that felt like home. I did as soon as I walked into it.

So here I am in a new area to me, right by the seaside, in a house that gives you a hug as soon as you walk through the front door. It is so peaceful here and my housemates are kind, thoughtful and we are all settling down well. I love my room and have all mine and Emily’s artwork up and wrapping round me. I am not rushing into making any decisions on how I earn my living and I have options. Self nurture is the song of my days as I explore my new home and simply breathe myself back into balance.

I stood on the sea front yesterday watching the ferries sail out of the mouth of The Mersey from Liverpool bound for Ireland and the Isle of Man. Looking to my left the sea stretched out way into the horizon touching North Wales eventually. This is a special place and there are many blessings in my having landed here. I am not far from Mum and Dad, my friends up North, yet I have a fresh canvas. More importantly coming back to me I have my well spring of creativity and the peace to hear my authentic voice as it guides me home. I will pick my fresh life paint pots in time and with care. For now it is alright to simply let things be.

I am so grateful to my loving friends and family who have held my hand as I stepped my way through to this point. Love is my life buoy and letting go of what has happened is happening, because it was not real.

Love flows as I hear the voice of the sea mingling with my own and she talks of many blessings. x

Life’s layers unfolding with loving grace…

Shropshire plains

A few weeks ago I traveled across to the Shropshire hills to care for a dear friend’s furry brood while she was away painting for a few days. What an idyllic spot she lives in. A beautiful country cottage, high up on a hill looking out across the Shropshire plains on one side and towards the North Welsh hills on the other. Claire has a purpose built painting studio and workshop in her garden and they will weave into my story later. Just outside her front door there is a stile and once over you can walk for miles along the ridge, across fields full of sheep and ploughed furrows awaiting future Spring plantings. On Sunday morning I awoke early to start work on the support service and I promised those around me, wagging their tails expectantly, that we would all have a walk first. Tiggy and Max, her dogs, love their walks and Gus, a beautiful marmalade tabby cat, always waits on the stile till we are safely back home again. The biscuits they all get after a walk are not the main incentive here of course! This picture shows the mist that was rolling through the valley that Sunday morning and in the stillness it was like being in another world.

Valley mist

In a recent romantic connection I was starting to feel unsettled and could not ‘pin’ the why, then life blew the mist away and the landscape was laid bare. Sadly in life, there are souls who have absorbed the belief that love is not pure and it becomes twisted inside of them. On the service I offer support and loving help to those who are stuck in relationships where all sorts of harmful patterns are being acted out. One belief I hold close, is that people do not ‘see’ their own harmful patterns, nor change them, till they are ready to do so. Sometimes, this realisation never graces their lives. The only souls we can change in this life are our own. It became very clear to me this week that a destructive pattern, under the guise of love, was being introduced into my life. I firmly set my sails in another direction and sailed away.

Last night, looking at a recent canvas I have painted, I really ‘saw’ the detail in the images. I could feel the passion flowing from the paint and I recalled where I had created it. Claire lives with loving grace as an exceptionally talented painter and she is a very special soul. She lovingly said I could use her studio, paints, equipment, anything that I needed, while I stayed there. Thank you Claire. That Sunday afternoon when I had finished work, I tucked up in her studio. Her windows look out across the fields where ‘Sheep-a-vision’ plays out naturally under a soft blue sky, tractors trundle past and the birds sing their hearts out. I created something in a completely new style which sprang from my love for life and I am now going on to create more in this different style. I had loving ‘pats’ at the doors while I painted and gentle, furry company came in to join me.

Love is not cruel, manipulative, controlling, nor unkind in my world.

The Gang

Stories, love, fear, acceptance, control and ‘letting go’

Em's latest painting

This painting is one of Emily’s latest and I love how her creative journey is expanding and developing. I delight in the messages and ‘Skype’ conversations that fly between us. We trust each other implicitly and bounce ideas and creations off each other at each stage, with much loving encouragement. Also, with helpful advice, laughter and cries of ‘Time for a hot chocolate….mini marshmallows with that?’ ‘You betcha…’. Her painting perfectly illustrates this blog post, which has been rumbling in the background for some time and now sees the light of day.

All our lives we have a ‘story’ running through us and our ‘story’ builds momentum as we live each day. Through the beliefs and words the ‘story’ tells us, we take our steps and make our choices. The ‘story’ is a mishmash of our childhood, our beliefs about ourselves, our experiences, how others see us and how we treat ourselves and others. It’s no wonder self nurture, healing and therapies are becoming so popular.

I work with souls who are struggling every day as they try to make sense and edit, or re-write, their ‘stories’. We are all doing this every single moment of every single day. We are bound to get weary and lost sometimes, as things get muddled and complicated.

In loving simplicity, my heart feels that we approach everything from two foundations; one out of love and the other from fear.

One of nature’s laws that we can change things by making our own choices, can be daunting to a lot of souls.

Life and people do not ‘do’ things to us.

We can change so much by editing our ‘story’ and the words we tell ourselves. With love we can look at a situation, or how someone is reacting, and choose, edit, tweak and change how we react to it. Then our thinking, feelings, words and actions flow from that reaction. We choose how we weave this into our ‘story’.

Pausing to reflect on the ‘why’ is self nurturing. Stepping forwards with love and kindness flows love to all concerned. Our personal responsibility is to our own ‘stories’.

Love to me is ever flowing. It is loving to ‘let go’ and accept how other souls flow for they too have their own ‘stories’.

It can be frightening to ‘let go’ and see where life’s flow takes us. There are so many things that are done because ‘control’ is a motivating force and that springs from fear.

‘Letting go’ is loving.

Flowing from love, trusting, moving forwards, working, being kind, taking responsibility for my ‘story’ and nurturing my open heart have all brought me to North Wales in the middle of this Summer. A totally new area for me with no previous life links, or memories at all. I had no idea why at the time, it just felt instictively good for my ‘story’ to settle here.

Days have unfolded in a beautiful setting as I nest happily in my little home. New friendships, laughter, a kind landlord, magic moments, work, family and friends visiting and a growing love for this land have all woven into my ‘story’ with a loving richness.

Now I have a beautiful soul who holds my face in his hands and says ‘I love you Jane’. As I am learning his ‘story’, he is learning mine.

Loving acceptance.

My heart is full of gratitude for the new threads weaving into my ‘story’, as I now know the ‘why’ for coming here.

Expanding through new doorways…

A conversation last night with a client sparked a train of thought. He commented ‘In life, we control everything’. I, chuckling gently, said ‘We control nothing’.

If we flow; we grow.

If we embrace the changes and lean into the love, grief, joy, sadness, tears, wonder, hurt, anger and pain; we grow.

When we grow; we flow through new doorways.