Posts Tagged 'dating'

A new blogging forum for dating, love and everything in-between

Today I have started a new blog for dating, love and everything in-between.

Love Balm blogging forum

It’s an interactive forum and I have flowed ‘Love Balm’ through to an open group on Facebook, Twitter and PInterest, which thoroughly tested the old grey matter.

Onwards and upwards, always with ❤

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The Dating Game….Conclusions at this moment in time……

The above is one of Em’s paintings (my daughter) and this is appropriate as we are ‘the girls’ and Em’s common sense approach makes her my perfect ‘wing man’ as I sally forth on future dates or not as the case may be!

It took me a while to realise that when I first ventured out into dating land I had the expectation that a loving relationship with someone would make me happy. In finding that ‘special one’ my life would somehow magically be ‘fixed’ and all my dreams would come true. How could I have thought that putting that amount of responsibility onto someone else was a good thing? All I can say in my defence is I was not doing it consciously. I had a poor sense of my own worth and a lifelong habit of taking responsibility for other’s actions. There was also a pivotal point in my younger life when I was not rescued and that flipped me (unknowingly) into always rescuing others.

I have now learnt to take responsibility for my own happiness and dreams and the discovery that I can achieve things on my own has been an empowering one. I channel my compassion and ‘rescuing’ side into psychic readings and coaching to better effect.

Love and romance with another, if balanced, can enhance life but our day to day round can still be rich and abundant without these elements. We still have love for our loved ones, close friends and the things we choose to do. Love comes in many forms.

I think there is a basic human need in all of us to be fully accepted and loved for who we are but the search for the ‘special one’ is no longer my driving force. In that liberating discovery I have found my own balance and any romantic ‘path crossings’ are now viewed with no expectations and are also appreciated for the magic of each moment. They are very much seen in the ‘now’ and I trust that how things unfold is exactly as it is meant to be and I take my hands ‘off’ so to speak. Love is not about controlling.

My head and heart are working together in harmony, although emotions are far from easy to handle so I am still ‘tweaking’ and I am as ever grateful to my lovely daughter, good friends and humour! I am also grateful that these ‘dating’ posts have brought new friends my way as you all bring your own richness to my life so thank you.

The Dating Game …. Story Number Five ……. A certain text!

This one is a sad but salutary tale and I have pondered long and hard on writing about it, but the last two years wouldn’t really be complete without relating this part of my journey.

We were brought together by our love of woodwork and shared a complimentary vision on how life can be lived. This one went beyond a few dates and stretched across a couple of months so it become a relationship. Our children were involved and part of my hesitation in relating this story is the hurt and disappointment Em felt when it fell apart. However, Em and I do find humour in a certain text message, so maybe this narrative will serve as a warning to others who may be tempted to take on someone who freaks out when faced with the more straight forward of life’s challenges such as running out of milk.

I stepped into rescue mode with this one very early on and it was marked as fatally flawed the moment I did this. I called him my Magic Elf and he is currently away landmine clearing in Africa, which given his complete inability to handle the day to day pressures of life could be a worry, however, it does mean that he won’t be reading this and with my mobile number and name change it is unlikely to cause him additional pain in the future.

I was so busy helping with the setting-up of his new business, getting his son into college, selling his house, handling his ailing mother, getting his tax affairs and VAT in order and closing his limited company (to list but a few) that I didn’t notice the usual things like ‘dates’ or having any real time together were getting lost in this little lot, so when life smacked me around the face with the reality of our situation I had a bit of a shock.

A woodworking job was booked in for three days on the house of friends of mine and this is where the wheels came off.

Day one his son (who was labouring) was asked not to return to site due to his complete inability to keep his mouth closed and for the things that were pouring forth from it. Day two I was now labouring for the Magic Elf and by the end of the day I had resigned as his girlfriend. Day three technically the job was in serious difficulties and I politely requested that the Magic Elf left the site for me to find other tradesmen that could complete the work. Over the course of the three days I was shouted at so hard and consistently that I lost my ability to think straight or to even hear my own thoughts.

The Sequel (the day after the Magic Elf was asked to vacate the site)…….

A summer’s morning dawned and I was to be found clearing out Claridge’s (our hen house) in my dressing gown and with broom in hand I heard my mobile tinkling in the kitchen …. an incoming text.

It’s one of those moments that may stay with me….it was from the Magic Elf and read….

‘Marry me and we will sort this out together’……

Now put the lack of romance and imagination aside for one moment that he thought it OK to text a proposal, and just picture my face and guess at my response. Stunned but with the ability to hear my own thoughts with clarity I put my broom down and called him straight back.

Jane, speaking very calmly, “Magic Elf, when you have a mess don’t make it worse by legalising it. I think this viscious verbal temper is your standard response to life and I have no wish to spend the rest of my life walking on eggshells. We have only had a few months together and this is supposed to be our honeymoon period, if this is as good as it gets I do not hold hope for us to have any kind of future together.”

It took him some time to accept this.

Tradesmen willing to complete someone else’s work were located and all was eventually sorted. My health took an absolute battering and it was a good few months before I got my balance back.

Finally my major life overhaul was about to start and I no longer rescued romantically.

The Dating Game…Story Number Four…….Too smooth by half!

This post contains adult content, a single word used twice, but still adult content and no Mum it’s not the word you think it is!

My instincts were getting a bit sharper when this one crossed my path and he was a niche trainer in a specific national institution so his profession is not a good title for him as it is too easily traceable, so upon reflection I shall call him Mr Smooth.

Mr Smooth was divorced with two young children who lived with his ex-wife and he went back to their home town in the North every weekend to see them and worked down here during the week.

For our first date Mr Smooth took me out to dinner and very nice it was too. This was followed by a romantic walk along the river embankment on a lovely summer’s evening, hand in hand I might add. Romance was the hallmark of this little episode as I received romantic texts, emails containing original poetry and he even suggested we write a book together and we bounced storylines between us to see if we could do this. He was a great communicator and it was fun to receive this kind of attention. Now I am not a natural cynic but I have been gullible in the past (this has left me wide open to an emotional battering on occasion) so when my instincts were tugging at me that this was all ‘too pat’ I paid attention. I used the surname he called himself by when I was talking to him once on the phone, you know the sort of thing “Well, Mr ….. how has your day been?”, there was a pause, only the slightest hesitation, but it was there and I caught it.

Onto the next date in another rather lovely restaurant where I tackled him mid-starter. Looking back it would have been wiser to wait until we had finished eating as I would have had a complete meal then, but if in doubt do the unexpected is my motto.

Jane “You haven’t been straight with me about your set-up at home have you?”

This line was delivered as Mr Smooth was mid-forkful with a Rocket salad combo, which is tricky to eat at the best of times, he dropped the fork and then had the audacity to smile at me.

His training should have warned him that the flash in my eyes signalled danger as those that know me well would have been diving into the trenches with their tin hats on at this point.

Mr Smooth “No, I haven’t.”

Jane “Tell me.”

Mr Smooth “I am divorced and I really do have my children, but I have a new partner and she has children and we live in a house that we have bought together.”

This little speech was delivered without hesitation and not a hint of embarrassment so I knew there was more to come.

Jane “What are we doing here then?”

Mr Smooth “My needs aren’t being met at home.”

Jane “Ooohh how awful for you.”

I put my hand on my heart for all of a minute.

Jane “Mmmmm over that now” removing my hand from my heart “if you have trouble at home how on earth is bringing another woman into the mix going to solve that and pray tell just how does this enhance my life?”

Mr Smooth “I come with benefits.”

I raised an eyebrow….

Jane “Such as?”

Mr Smooth “I have a perfect cock.”

Jane “A perfect cock does not a perfect man make and you are wholly inadequate as far as I am concerned.”

I threw my napkin onto the table and left the restaurant. Livid, absolutely livid at his sheer arrogance but also relishing one of those sublime moments in life when the right words come out at the right time and not with hindsight twenty four hours later!

I received a text about six months after the restaurant scene which read ‘I have thought about what you said Jane and I am giving my relationship a go, thank you for your advice’.

I strongly suspect that another woman he tried his act on after me actually did him physical harm.

No, I did not deign to reply. What a muppet!

The Dating Game …. Story Number Three ……..Hopscotch!

I thought I would offer a smorgasbord for your coffee break today as no one incident is really a story in it’s own right, but I am relieved that I managed to hopscotch through it all. I also hope that I retain anonymity with my change of name in the recounting of this little lot.

So, in no order of preference or timing, here they are….

1. A ‘Red Adair’ who crisscrossed the country attempting all sorts of ludicrous rescues for others and would periodically turn up on my doorstep grey with exhaustion saying ‘My life is sh*t Jane’. All of this in an unconscious attempt to run from the problem of why his marriage broke down whilst not actually tackling it. Very sad but in no possible way a platform to launch a new relationship from.

2. A musician who thought the solution to all his problems was to be found in the bottom of a bottle, which involved worrying memory lapses when he completely forgot what he had been upto. I dodged a bullet there.

3. A debt collector who was looking for a ‘mothership’ equivalent to look after him in his old age. Truck on….

4. A ‘999’ operator who was so emotionally damaged that he twisted everything that was said. A completely exhausting man and I found myself losing my temper with him….me shouting like a banshee – imagine!

5. An antique dealer who was factual in the name he gave me but nothing else. This was not very clever of him when I discovered that he was a serial cheater, thief, liar, scam artist and all round bad lot. Luckily this only took a few days and then only a matter of hours for me to locate his previous victims and we banded together. Oohhh the strength of a common cause where karma and the police are unleashed to do what they do best.

6. A security expert (ex.military) who researched me (really….) and decided that I was perfect as his retirement partner and would adequately manage his farm in the South West???? He would regale me with his daily schedule (no names no pack drill) and never once asked how my day was, what I had been upto or indeed how I was. When I had the temerity to question this, I was told (sternly) that he was introducing me to HIS world. I had two words for him and yes, they did relate to sexual travel.

I would like to point out that this motley crew were spread over a two year period and I have taken far more time off from dating than I have spent actually out on dates, after all I only have so much intestinal fortitude. Anyway, this was to be the warm-up act, the main event was in a class of it’s own.

The Dating Game …. Story Number Two……..Bed rest!

There’s going to be two ‘daters’ wrapped up in this story as there was a common thread between them and I must admit it left me with the feeling that I either resembled Mother Teresa or their respective mothers!

The first one appeared so straight forward and the old adage ‘It’s the quiet ones you have to watch’ holds very true, I shall call him Mr Valet.

We met when I called his company to get my car cleaned and he came to do it in person. We both ‘got’ the self-employed aspect of life and he appeared balanced and happy with his lot and worked very hard, all qualities that appealed to me.

We had several dates running up the ladder of coffee, drinks and then dinner. Now in those days I got quite excited at the prospect of being taken out to dinner (I still do) as this was an infrequent event in my past.

It was a beautiful restaurant set deep in the countryside and I made the mistake of not taking my own car this time…silly girl.

We arrived and it was pouring with rain, which didn’t bother me at all, it did however bother Mr Valet who commented that he hated the rain…my alarm bells started a distant jangle. It was the look on his face when he commented on the rain that spelt trouble, so quite out of character and since I was not driving, I requested a strong drink as soon as we entered the restaurant. I was soon to discover that one was not going to be enough!

We were chatting away about our plans for the coming year and during the main course the conversation swerved way, way off course.

Jane “I have been asked if I can go on a Healing Retreat with a good friend of mine, I think it’s to be held on Crete or Cyprus one of the two, and she’s asked me to do the catering. If it comes off it will be great”.

I’m smiling at this point and quite relaxed.

Mr Valet “So you are leaving me for a week already”.

Stunned silence from me and I am now frowning….when will men get it….this is not a good thing for women of my age to do!

Jane – really quietly – “There are so many things wrong with what you have just said that I don’t quite know where to start with it….give me a minute”.

Now you see why going in his car was a huge mistake as I had no quick exit route.

Mr Valet sat in front of me looking crestfallen whilst I signalled frantically for the waiter to bring me another strong drink at speed.

Drink in hand I went into ‘coaching’ mode and got him to tell me what was behind all this, which he did. The bottom line of this discussion was the startling discovery that his habitual mode of coping when life got tricky was to take to his bed usually for about a week at a time.

Now with the best will in the world, and having no wish to sit in judgment on how others handle life, suffice to say that this is not my way of dealing with things and I wished him well and no further dates were planned.

It took me some time (and I mean months) for me to accept a dinner date from anyone else without twitching.

Some time later a man crossed my path whom I shall refer to as Mr Logistics and I very quickly discovered that he had the same habit as Mr Valet, but he added a good few bottles of Vodka to the mix. He thought this was a marvelous combination. I have Mr Valet to thank for my previous experience as I sussed this one out at first date whilst we were still at the drinks stage.

Oh give me strength and pass the biscuit barrel!

It took a while before there was a next after this little lot……

The Dating Game………Story Number One….

I have thought about how to approach these stories from a kind angle as I have no wish to cause upset or harm, so I have decided to refer to each ‘date’ by their profession and also, upon consideration, I do not think any of the men concerned will be reading this blog. It also occurs to me that folk rarely recognise themselves through another’s eyes, so everything taken into account and with my new name added to the mix…here we go.

Story Number One

I am running the risk of offending a large section of the corporate world but I need to be honest to tell this story properly. I have a chequered history with HR personnel (to say we clash would be an understatement) so when an HR Consultant asked me out for a drink my first thought was ‘No, thank you’, however, this offer came in my early dating days, with tools not yet sharpened adequately, so I said ‘Yes’.

We met at a quaint village pub with lights twinkling in the murky winter gloom and it looked very welcoming. Drinks duly ordered Mr HR had trouble settling on a suitable place for us to sit and I assure you that this pub was not on the large side. I followed him for a few seating forays, our drinks being taken back to the bar each time, before I suggested that I stay at the bar till he found the right spot. This took twenty minutes, yes at least twenty, and I was rapidly losing patience whilst standing at the bar and there was also a small amount of mental kicks occuring that I had not listened to my instincts and said no in the first place.

We were eventually seated and we started to talk, well Mr HR did and I listened. After about a quarter of an hour had passed he took his diary out of his jacket pocket and started to flick through the pages……

Jane “What are you looking for?”

Mr HR “I am looking for a suitable opening”

Jane “An opening for what?”

Mr HR “Well I think this has gone well”

Jane “Do you really?” I frowned as I said this and that’s not good at my age.

Mr HR and listening skills definately did not go hand in hand and I think there was also a distinct lack of empathy with his fellow man and what was happening around him.

Mr HR “Yes, I think next time we can have dinner and sleep together, we’re not getting any younger and there’s no point in wasting time is there?”

Very, very brief pause…..

Jane “If you wish to locate your testicles near your tonsils then do carry on”

Silence from Mr HR…..aaahh I thought, he is finally getting it.

I wished him well and left the pub and my hint and tip from this one is always go in separate cars so a fast getaway is possible.

My mobile rang about three months later…….

Mr HR “Jane how are you?”

Jane “Hello, why are you calling me?”

Mr HR “Because you are a decent woman”

Peals of laughter from my end and a quick retort of ‘Oh do go away’.

Next…….


Jane Sturgeon

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