Emily made me these butterflies a few years ago and when they go up love is here.
I have just offered a shelf system up against the bathroom room so our landlord can tell if it is level before he fixes it in place. The Victorian wall behind it is undulating to say the least, so is it truly level? Not according to the spirit level, but we have gone by eye and what feels right. We now have a full house and there are three of us girls with bedrooms on the first floor, so thoughtfully our landlord is installing extra shelves in the bathroom. We have other bathroom options in our home, but this bathroom has a huge bath and there is much comfort in our bottles and nurturing lotions nestling together as we share the space.
It’s an authentic bathroom.
I have my inner peace back and am grateful to be reuniting with my authentic self. It has helped me to realise why I lost her in the first place and surprisingly how far back that goes.
We all have vulnerabilities and circumstances that we flow with in our daily lives. To be afraid to acknowledge those vulnerabilities, never mind speak about them to others, is how we protect ourselves. It’s how we manage. Sadly it can lead to a disconnectedness that leads to disharmony and loss of self. Those circumstances can also lead to a definition of self that is not authentic.
I have debt from my marriage and yes, I have reduced it by a considerable amount and managed to live with it, but I have allowed the feelings of failure and ‘pinch’ to define me. All leading to a sense of loss of self. Money is an energy and debt can lead to more debt and it’s a tricky thing to get hold of. It, and I, have tumbled while trying to get to grips with it.
My beautiful daughter has struggled with the breakdown of our family unit and as her Mum, her pain is my pain. She made the decision last year to step away from me in an effort to make sense of how she felt. We have a thin thread of connection, so there is not total silence between us, but grief was born the day of her decision.
I have been doing my best to manage and flow love to both situations, in the ever held hope that balance will be restored.
I threw myself into setting up the workshop where I restored and re-upholstered furniture. Never having done anything like this before I learned as I went, asking for advice, watching clips on the internet and always saying ‘I can have a go at that’ and I did. Whilst doing this I decorated the workshop inside and out and decorated the flat I was renting from a friend. I glance back now and I was running full pelt away from pain. My sense of self as a Mum and a competent business woman had taken a hammering and I was living fueled by loss.
My authentic self was drowned out and into this mix came Paul.
I have always loved nature, people (especially little ones) and animals. I did not go into detail with him on my past, or my vulnerabilities, but I said enough for the manipulation to start. He shared his huge family with me and we all delighted in our new connections. The first time I met his younger daughters we sat at the kitchen table together making cards and amidst the glitter, paint and glue we started to love each other. At family gatherings little grandchildren would potter near us and climb on my lap to play and natter. Older grandchildren would visit so that we could send time together. Paul offered me some time off (with no deadline), so that when I first moved in with him he could be a real partner. He offered rest, recovery, a safe haven and I could choose how I flowed my time. I could potter in the house nesting, or spend time with the animals helping to milk, look after the herd and also I could learn how to lamb. The money that I had coming in could completely go towards debt clearance. He would help me carry the load. I could talk to him about anything, be myself and my defences came tumbling down. Being part of a huge family was a joy for me and my cup runneth over.
He drew me in to be a part of the script of his life and the film was fake.
Now I have worked out the ‘why’ and ‘how’ it happened and I am coming back to my authentic self. There is freedom in telling the story.
To live with an open heart is to show vulnerability, yet I have learned that to have defences is to live in fear. In running from pain I lost touch with my authenticity.
Self awareness is key.
I am aware of my circumstances, yet they do not define me. I can feel my pain, yet I do not live in fear.
In the stillness I am authentic and love is the only voice.