The voice of the sea speaks to the soul….

The sea at home...

I moved to Wales recently to start life together with the farmer who said he had waited all his life for me. I felt I had found a life buddy who was on the same page with love of nature, animals and family. Throwing a blanket of love around us, his family and the life we talked about flowing together I felt so blessed.

I quickly discovered I had walked straight into a mirage and the man I thought I knew disappeared. I was weepy, tired, my confidence waned, I started to have accidents and I doubted that I could accomplish even the simplest task. I kept putting it down to my tiredness and learning to live with a new routine and talking to Paul, my partner, failed to shed any light on why I felt as I did. I was told that I was not coping, amoungst other things. After a week I called a close friend who works with families in difficulties. I asked her for help, because in a very short space of time I had lost all sense of what was real and the speed it was happening frightened me. She asked me to describe a few things that had happened, without emotion if I could, and then she gave me her feedback. Bless her, because her words were the only real thing I had to hold onto and my trust in her is implicit. I was being controlled and manipulated to a very high level. It is best not to dwell on the detail, but one thing that is clear is that ‘love’, affection and kindness are given with calculated precision and are another cog in the wheels of control. I know a fair few souls who hang on in relationships like this thinking that things will get better. ‘Oh, but he/she can be so lovely’ they say. What I was in was a film set; all the frontage was there, with controlling scaffolding holding it up. There was nothing real behind it. It never gets real or better, it just steadily gets worse.

Love gets twisted for some souls and they do not trust it. It becomes a tool for them to get the love and attention they crave while they manage their lives, running to a twisted agenda of their own making.

They are standing in the middle of a loving river and dying of thirst.

I was straight forward and tried to discuss that this was not loving and could we try to work it through. He cried. I wavered for a few days thinking I had misread the situation. The control notched up a few levels and my clarity snapped back into focus.

I wished him well and left.

I threw my net wide over four counties looking for a room in a shared house to keep costs down and to give me time to recover. I knew I would need company, yet independence. I looked at several and trusted my instinct that I would know the one that felt like home. I did as soon as I walked into it.

So here I am in a new area to me, right by the seaside, in a house that gives you a hug as soon as you walk through the front door. It is so peaceful here and my housemates are kind, thoughtful and we are all settling down well. I love my room and have all mine and Emily’s artwork up and wrapping round me. I am not rushing into making any decisions on how I earn my living and I have options. Self nurture is the song of my days as I explore my new home and simply breathe myself back into balance.

I stood on the sea front yesterday watching the ferries sail out of the mouth of The Mersey from Liverpool bound for Ireland and the Isle of Man. Looking to my left the sea stretched out way into the horizon touching North Wales eventually. This is a special place and there are many blessings in my having landed here. I am not far from Mum and Dad, my friends up North, yet I have a fresh canvas. More importantly coming back to me I have my well spring of creativity and the peace to hear my authentic voice as it guides me home. I will pick my fresh life paint pots in time and with care. For now it is alright to simply let things be.

I am so grateful to my loving friends and family who have held my hand as I stepped my way through to this point. Love is my life buoy and letting go of what has happened is happening, because it was not real.

Love flows as I hear the voice of the sea mingling with my own and she talks of many blessings. x

Time to simplify….

Peaceful

I was talking to a friend recently about energies in things that flow through our lives. Sometimes we need to simplify what’s on our plates to create space and right now my life is yelling at me to do just that. The space created will help to nurture peace and I suppose the trick is not to fill it with anything else…we shall see.

I have a new business venture that is gaining momentum, a new home that is in need of much tender, loving care and loved ones that deserve my time without interruption, so, I am taking a break from blogging.

You are all wonderful in your unfailing support and flowing care and I appreciate all the sparkly moments that the last four years have created between us all. Blogging has also helped me to find my writing voice and that is a gift in itself.

I may, or may not, come back to blogging and I feel it’s important not to label or contain this intention in any way. I wish you all much love and happy flow in your lives. Thank you for all your love and know that my love stays with you.

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Nurture, nurture and yet more nurture….

Deep pink Camellia1

There is a beautiful deep pink Camellia in the garden here and between the showers I managed to get a picture yesterday.

Life’s circus has put on a good display in the last 48 hours and just when I thought it had finished there was an interesting encore!

This morning, while I am waiting for the engineer to come and replace my laptop screen, I will endeavour to entertain you all by writing about the various circus acts that have rolled through.

Act One on Monday morning found me at the local hospital, trying to get some help for a health problem that has so far refused to get better. Having lived in various parts of the world I applaud our health system in the UK, but there is a strong possibility that funding cuts are going very deep indeed. What I came up against was bureaucracy run amok. Everyone I came into contact with was kind, but after spending hours there (reading every magazine they had) I was passed from hand to hand with nothing being decided. Mid-afternoon I propelled myself out of the chair, from within yet another waiting room, and I found someone I had seen earlier. She apologised and, I do think they were grasping at straws here, I was offered an x-ray. Wait for it….to have the x-ray they needed to refer me to a GP surgery near the home I am staying in, for the doctor there to see me (he could possibly fit me in tomorrow, but at that moment the surgery were not answering their phone) to refer me back to where I was currently standing, so they could do the x-ray. My face was a picture and eloquent, I felt it was anyway. However, some words were necessary, and what I said next was hardly unexpected…I was polite and gentle, yet clear. I also kicked into self-nurture mode and walked out.

Hence my trip to the chemist and supermarket, where I come back here with a huge bottle of tonic, hot drink powders, my favourite dinner and the belief that I can self-heal.

During the day yesterday I worked on the phone service and all flowed along smoothly and I made myself a tasty dinner when I had finished. Then Act Two commenced. My lovely little furry friend here and I have got a good routine running. She sits beside me and I eat my meal, then when I have finished, she gets the remains of my yoghurt pot. This moment is a highlight in her day. Halfway through dinner the doorbell sounded. When I opened the door I was greeted by a young man with a cock and bull story. I politely moved him along (which did not go down well) and I went back to my rapidly cooling dinner and expectant cat. Five minutes later the door bell went again and I looked through the window to see a different young man and this time I did not open the door. He kept ringing and then banged on the door. I don’t class this as an emergency, but I did call the local police station on their landline number. I, and my neighbours, had apparently all called these incidents in and the police were dealing with it. My dinner had gone cold and the look on my furry friend’s face was a picture.

Self nurture kicked in again and I cleared up, my little buddy had her treat and I found the movie channels on the TV. So yesterday evening found me curled up under a snuggly blanket, clutching a hot water bottle, watching ‘You’ve Got Mail’, drinking a cup of tea with a happy little cat on my shoulder draped across my head.

I was safe and I slept.

Today I am starting to feel better health wise and the police have emailed to say thank you for how I handled things last night and they will call in today to see how I am as this must have been un-settling. Thanks chaps, I appreciate the nurture.

Nurture makes the world go round for me, life loses colour without it.

Nurture and relaxing when life gives you a circus for a day…..

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I am settled into my new assignment and the dear little cat I am caring for is lovely. She is blind and manages very well and her family had to leave before I got here on Saturday, so I was left instructions and her medication. Left to our own devices we have worked out what works well between us. If you lean down to stroke her it makes her jump because she can’t see your hand coming, so I very quickly learnt not to do that to her. We talk to each other, I have set-up my work on the table near her bed and ‘play things’, her food is nearby and she comes to me when she wants love. She climbs up so gently and lies across my chest with her head on my shoulder. She’s a lovely little soul.

Yesterday presented me with a circus for the day and it was challenging to navigate it. I ended the day self nurturing with my favourite dinner from the supermarket, a latte on special offer and a long cuddle with this lovely cat. All this, whilst I dealt with the third engineer of the day from the computer support company, as two of his colleagues had dropped the ball earlier. It was late in the afternoon, pouring with rain outside and I was worn out from the day’s events, the computer problems just being a side issue. I know as the computer engineer took my call that he could see what had happened and he was braced for me being upset. I went down the humour route instead and we ended up having a lovely chat as he fixed what he could remotely, whilst booking an engineer call for replacement parts. During this I sat here sipping a latte, with this dear little cat draped across my chest and shoulder purring away. The engineer in Bangalore was a delight and we had a meeting of minds on how to deal with things when the circus arrives. I gave his supervisor great feedback on how he handled things.

All this stirred love memories in my heart. I was brought up with nurture, it was always there. My Mum stood in her kitchen this Saturday as I dropped in to pick up my car. Amidst new fencing going up, a house viewing happening, Dad being uptight with all that was going on and me coming through the door, she dealt with it all in a very loving way. I was collected from the train station and then sent on my way with a packed lunch for my journey which included fruit sweets in a little twisted bag, fruit, sandwiches and handy wipes. All created with a smile whilst a circus swirled around her.

When I spent a few weeks with Mum and Dad so many little loving moments took me back to my childhood. I was invited to lick the bowl and spoon when Mum had finished baking. Mum curled my hair before I went out to hold work parties. There was a little rose on my pillow. Great reads were placed by my bedside. Huge fluffly bath towels were put out. Chocolate was bought for emergencies, tucked away in my drawer along with the words ‘Now you really don’t have to share this’ and favourite meals were lovingly made.

Loving nurture, it eases us through the days, lifting, flowing care and when the circus comes to town it comes into it’s own. Thank you Mum for lighting the way with such love.